Our Foolproof Guide to Your Next Running Injury (Guaranteed*)

*Seriously. If you follow these steps, we can 100 percent guarantee you will reach your goal!
By Nathan Helming ,

People, the promised land is around the corner. In fact, it’s within your grasp right now, and with some focus and a little direction, you can join 80 percent of the running population immediately.

It could be your happy today ... if you play your cards right.

With years of personal and professional experience on the subject, you could say we’re the injury experts. If you can break it, we have the emergency room visits and X-rays to prove it. If you can overuse it, irritate it and drive it into the ground, well, we have the MRIs, the KT Tape and the body-shaped ice packs in the freezer for it.

Missed races and dropouts? Too many to count!

So keep reading and your days of getting injured as an amateur are over. With our foolproof guide, take your injuries to PRO status in a matter of minutes.

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But before we get there, we need you bought in. That’s right. I can hear you scratching your head on this one right now. “GET injured? Aren’t I ... like ... supposed to avoid those?”

Well, yes and no. Sure, you hear getting injured “isn’t cool” and can lead to some initial disappointment, but let me tell you. Over the years, I found some pretty sweet hidden upsides.

So without further ado: the BENEFITS of being injured:

  1. People feel sorry for you. Sympathy ... yeah! If you’re ever feeling a little disconnected from those around you, just grab your low back, close your eyes and grimace. Add a limp and now you’ll be surrounded with concerned faces and “Are you OKs?” Those get-well Facebook posts are around the corner.
  2. You get to use the “Well … IF____, THEN ____ …” excuse! “Well, IF I was healthy, man I’d totally smoke those clowns. Too bad my knee keeps me from training at my capacity, or watch out!” I see what you did there. You get to talk about being good without having to actually put any cards on the table. No risk. All reward. Very slick.
  3. Netflix like a BOSS. Vitamin D’s overrated. Best to bask in the flickering glow of the latest no-name comedy special and B-rated webisode because, yeah, you already watched all the good stuff.

I know. I now have you on the edge of your seat. How can I get injured and join the swelling ranks of runners sitting happily on the sidelines, you ask?

Follow our three simple steps and you’ll soon enter achy, immobile, un-athletic bliss!

  1. STOP READING THIS. I appreciate your commitment toward mediocrity, but I mean it, knowledge messes you up. Once you start to know things and, worse, put them into action, you can say goodbye to those sympathetic nods, “almost” stories and binge Internet watching.
  2. Be scared of your future. For all we know, someone might come along and decide to double the length of your next race and shorten the cutoff times by half. Best to train long, hard and heavy all the time. You know that pit in your stomach and anxiety-fueled ache in your jaw? Act on it! Nothing like the power of fear-based decisions to push you closer to the couch.
  3. Surround yourselves with the “best”! That’s right, your environment is key. Fortunately, it’s not too hard to find other injured people these days, but with the right eye, you’ll be surrounded by an entire group of self-pitying injured elite. You backsliders best listen up: Anytime you find yourself reading things, doing stuff or hanging out with those uninjured outliers and dare I say — changing — you’ll have the power of the group to slap some sense into you. After all, we all need help sticking with our convictions.

It goes without saying that being patient, training consistently, resting regularly, mobilizing daily and squatting weekly are just downright un-American. Marathon next month with no training? Sign up! Orthotics to fix this, anti-inflammatory to numb that, knee wrap to keep this together and super-cushioned shoes to hide everything? Now we’re talking.

In fact, if you can’t buy it on QVC, ingest it in pill form or tape it to your body, it has NO place in your running program.

So be careful out there, runners. Keep doing what you’re doing, follow our foolproof guide, and we can almost guarantee you’ll reach that promised land by the end of this year.

BUT change one little thing, and it could start to slip through your fingers.

Start squatting a few days a week and your knees, hips and low back might just start feeling ... good.

Add five minutes of mobility a day and now all bets are off.

One new running drill a week and now you’re just laughing in our face!

So that’s it. The secret to injuries is out!

We are the 80 percent.

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