The women of CrossFit have a reputation as lean, mean, badass machines. The media eats up their toned bodies and bad-girl allure. But behind every pretty lady is a list of embarrassing or unpleasant secrets that are kept quiet — perhaps lip waxing her she-stache, flatulence or maybe a mini-unicorn tramp-stamp she thought was hot at age 18. We all have secrets. But today, I spill the beans about the made-to-be-shameful CrossFit realities we should not need to hide. They lack any bit of lovely, but if nothing else, let us know that we are not alone.
Not-Pretty Pee Pants
Today I was doing double-unders and was quickly reminded that despite my unbroken sets, there are occasionally some very un-sexy repercussions. I’m a mother of two, and although I hate to get overly graphic, to make my point I must note that they came out naturally. This left my pelvic floor in shambles, which is why I regularly pee my pants jumping rope. Now I’m not talking about a firehose stream, but it’s certainly not a drop. It would qualify as an amount acceptable for your standard urine sample. Ain’t no shame. An empty bladder and black pants will help avoid drawing attention to your pee-pants problem.
CrossFit ladies often work with a little more junk in their trunk than the standard gal. Our commitment to squats keeps things juicy and just right. But along with a ripe rump, we sometime struggle with a case of swass (sweaty ass). When those cheeks generate just enough friction or when the sweat starts flowing down the small of our backs, the crack suddenly becomes a creek. Sometimes, a fabulous backside comes with potential problems: ravenous looks, a need for tailored pants and swass. Still, totally worth it.
Any woman with a solid manicure can appear to be a delicate flower. But turn those puppies palm-up and you can easily distinguish CrossFit women. Along with the toned shoulders, flat tummy and healthy thighs, we have man-hands. It is our curse. Calluses, tears and chalk-filled creases give us away every time. Shaking our hand is not unlike closing a deal with a construction worker. Our hands are not soft, nor are they delicate. But they do carry their own groceries, walk our upside-down bodies across the gym and high-five like a boss. So maybe those man-hands are handier than we know.
For whatever reason, society has made it perfectly acceptable for a man to poop in a public restroom. But when a women does — how revolting! Let’s be real, folks. Everybody poops. And nervous poops are a common reaction to preworkout preparation. The fact is, ladies eat, they digest, and when they get some nerves about them, they might drop a deuce at the gym. Although it lacks any appeal, it should never be discouraged. Have you ever tried to hold it through a workout? Misery. So despite the potential turn-off, free your intestine of the icky and release your waste. Your squats will thank you.
So the next time you wish you could wear a diaper, have a little extra cheek lubrication, bashfully bare your palms or overdo the air freshener, just remember that you’re not alone. The women of CrossFit have dirty little secrets just like everybody else, and although we all have unique concerns and qualms, there is nothing sexier than a dame that doesn’t give a damn. Embrace your body and all that it does, including the occasional embarrassments. Consider our secrets spilled.