Lately, it seems like all the cool kids are virally voicing their disdain for CrossFit. So I thought it best to take this opportunity to do the same. Despite the fact that I am an owner, trainer and athlete of the CrossFit cult, I, too, share some sickened sentiments for the sport of fitness. There are parts of the CrossFit experience that I find infuriating and unforgivable. So today, I tap into my love-hate relationship and take aim at the very brand and industry that consumes my life.
- My clothes don’t fit right, and it’s very frustrating. Over the past 2 or 3 years my body has morphed into this healthy, toned, stronger version of itself, and all at the expense of my extensive collection of denim. My rear now requires something with a bit more give, and although the pants no longer perform, my glutes are glorious compared to their former shape. And cap sleeves are thing of the past. Now that my shoulders are slightly larger (and lovely) these days, why cover those guns?! CrossFit has destroyed my previous wardrobe wonderland, so I guess I’ll have to go shopping.
- Booze used to be a regular fixture in my life, but these days it’s taken a back seat. Although it’s possible to get through an intense WOD with the sting of a hangover, I wish it upon nobody. My late nights and several vodka tonics suddenly dropped on the priority list due to my severe addiction to feeling healthy and working out. My non-CrossFitting buddies might view me as a bit of a buzzkill, but I simply can’t bring myself to consume heavy amounts of alcohol outside of a kick-ass celebration of some sort. And it’s CrossFit’s fault.
- My CrossFit Community has overwhelmed me with friends. I can’t possibly keep up with all of the social gatherings and the birthdays and the random reasons to get together in the gym and out. I’d try to rid myself of this issue, but my peers continuous support and encouragement and amazing nature sucks me in every time. Life was easier with fewer friends, but now I’m stuck with a bunch. Thanks a lot, CrossFit.
- Fitness, unfortunately, provides an increase in energy and libido. My husband and I can’t keep our hands off each other. We are both confident in our skin, appreciate one another’s sculpted bodies, and dig getting in on some nudity together. He can’t walk past me without dry-humping my leg. It’s like a dog and a fire-hydrant; they just can’t pass it up. In addition, despite our early morning training schedules, we end up engaging in adult activities until the wee hours of the night. Damn it, CrossFit. You’ve filled my mind with dirty thoughts and provided too many reasons to get my groove on.
- All these personal changes, they’ve gone to my head. I used to mope around bitching about my body and sleeping 11 hours whenever possible. I used to have big dreams but dragged ass when it came to going after them. I used to be a mom who played too many movies to keep my kids occupied. Now I feel like kind of a badass. I feel good about me and I take advantage of every hour in the day. I go after what I want knowing full well I’m capable of things I can’t even imagine. And when it comes to my kids, I want my activity to inspire them to move and progress and try new things. My big head is CrossFit’s fault.
So to those who publish downright nasty notes about CrossFit, you’re right. There are some super terrible aspects. But the worst part is that it’s too awesome to ignore. I take your rant as flattery for the sport of fitness. Like getting made fun of on “Saturday Night Live.” And these days, CrossFit is kind of a big deal. Nobody can deny the impact it’s had on the world of fitness, or the interest and intrigue it’s generated surrounding lifting, jumping, pushing, pulling, and all the other movements and their endless combinations.
So my message to the negative nellies who insult our cute little cult riddled with injury and ineffective practices is, If it’s not for you, that’s cool. Do what you do. But respect the program that provides so many people a rewarding and revolutionary way to embrace health and fitness.
But what do I know...I’m just pissed my pants don’t fit. F*ckin CrossFit.